So yet again I nearly killed myself last night. Not intentional...or so I say. The girl I was going to go to the concert with did not go...and I was pissed off. She said she had to go into work. Even if she did, it is of my humble opinion that friends are better people if they do not break plans or are just not friends.

I went by myself. Trey Anistasio was awesome, as was Tim Reynolds and Dave Mathews.

The problem is that when I start drinking at 5 pm and do not come home until 7 am and I hang out in the absolute wrong environments...that is a setup for real trouble.

I was talking to a friend today about it...

me: my biggest problem though is my hyper loyalty couple with my own self destructive behavior when others do not act like me...and most do not

friend: your problem is your disheveled appearance and wacky behavior attract the wrong kind of people

me: ouch. perhaps that is why i can be successful on the internet. nobody has to see me.

friend: most people who don't care how they look and act like they are mentally unstable (like you do)...aren't really good people on the inside (like you are)...in that respect you are somewhat unique

me: i respect that analysis, i have never once looked at it that way. its true that my own actions scare off people

friend: yeah what can I say...I was trapped on a submarine with you...I had to get to know the real you...I had no choice...

I guess the point of this post is that there is value in everything and that no matter whatever shit we find in our lives, it is usually us who place it there. Though at points last night I gave myself at least 2 to 1 odds otherwise, my heart and mind are still somehow functional...and somehow for my pains I have yet again got necissary feedback to improve myself...though I am sure some unknown organ damage had to have occured.