What is it about the human mind that makes reward make sense?
What makes things hurt?

Why did this hurt worse: A cheap person told me that they wanted (only a partial) refund on my ebook.

Than this felt good: A got another random check for hundreds of dollars in the mail.

I am told that the reward system is based on dopamine, but what really does that mean?

It seems anything I do means equal parts jack and shit at times. To me. Even without negative influence around.

I am convinced that I could be a neurosurgeon, find a cure for cancer, a cure for HIV, stop world poverty and still feel horribly incomplete or exceptionally shallow.

Is it better to be depresses or self absorbed? I feel those as my options. Perhaps now a person reading these pathetic words would view me as equal parts both.

Anything I do seems equally easy and frustrating. I wonder if I will ever find anything challenging and interesting enough to get me to really feel alive...