warning: likely a narisistic post...

I was just told by a relative that he thought perhaps my aims are to be good enough at whatever I do to where I can be arrogent about it. For him to think that I would guess many other people may think that.

Its really off the mark in my own eyes, though it might be a common thought through the eyes of others.

Usually I feel horrible most days for various reasons I do or do not know. I feel like I need to do a bunch to just feel ok. If you ever see me doing lots of stuff or being super active it is because it occupies my time and perhaps lifts the negative thoughts from my mind.

And yet at the same time I ignore the things that make me feel really good so that I feel artificial and hollow so that I need to work even harder at the things that bring me artificial happiness.

When I see someone else do something I usually see the whole as something great perhaps even majestical. When I do something I see everything as its base pieces. Ex: eventually this sentence on this post on this blog will be erased and I doubt it will have even mattered. Frequently I work my self into a thought process that makes me feel the same thing about myself.

All through growing up I have been somewhat secluded from things not me. Partially due to social factors and partially due to desire to not be part of anything. In a sense I guess some would say this makes me narcisistic, but really I am not much into me either.

Of course this part will sound arrogent but I really have not found anything in life challenging or exciting for very long.

I am just glad I have done what positive things I have and got out of the US Navy alive.