I am doing another update of my ebook right now. I have not done one in a while...so I feel it is a cool thing to do another one.

It is hard keeping track of everything I am doing and want to do. I have done really well on the publicity front recently, but it has become weird to see my name so much.

Sure I guess I search for it and look at citations, but for some of the nice things others say about me I still think I have a long way to go to being the person I want to be. I am wondering if by going after building a name and a brand I sorta got what I wanted only to realize I didn't want it.

Now I find it hard balancing everything I want to do, and most of what I do is outside the core of what I think life should be about. Helping others is exceptionally important. I think I do that, but I also have fallen behind on email, am still rather antisocial, and have bad eating and sleeping and exercise habits.

I went to work out with my personal trainer today and she seems like she is always really happy. I am a bit perplexed because with all of the good news that has happened recently I would expect me to be far happier about life than I am.

For some people looking up to me I still am seriously misguided in many ways, but I did just eat a salad...something I rarely do, and maybe I can work that angle a bit more.

I still don't really know how to be social though...off of the web at least. My older siblings typically made me feel like a third wheel. I typically had few friends growing up. A week after high school I joined the military. The first thing they teach you at boot camp is that you are a piece of shit. The thing I learned at their classes was that they were boring. The thing I learned on the boat was the art of binge drinking...and that was really about my only social activity for about 4 years or so.

I don't drink that often anymore, but I still get bombed from time to time. I think I may have kicked the whole blacking out thing, but I certainly walk the line on that.

What scares me more is that there are emerging information systems that allow you to tap the experience of culture without ever experiencing it. We are inherently social creatures. Temporarily some of these social systems can replace human interaction, but inevitably being closed off leads to self-doubt, depression, and lowered social skills. The cycle is self reinforcing as well. After a while you like the isolation because it is comfortable and the results are predictable...but without social interaction I think life is without purpose.

How can you really understand who you are if you don't hang out with and learn from other people? How do you become social? Is it ok to not be social? Are those who are tucked away bound to some type of misery and regret?

I buy so many books, but have not even been reading them as much. Music is a great connection because there is so much emotion wrapped into a few minutes, but it is still not social as I doubt I have ever heard a song that was wrote for or about me, and I would probably be freaked out if I ever did ;)