So Saturday my brother is flying back to California. The day after he said he was NOT coming here I bought a ticket to go on a vacation touring Europe for a few weeks. Then a few days latter my brother showed up.

He lived here for about 2 months and I was gone for about a month of it. I never would have planned that to happen. I am somewhat disappointed that this town is so far removed from what he wanted, but it was sorta the same for me when I first moved here. Leaving him here was a somewhat shitty thing to do, and even when I was here, I was usually too busy working to be human.

That too busy to be human shit is for the birds as well. It is not really living. I need more outlets, and I know that I am busy, here is $20 doesn't say I love you. Not nearly enough, at least. And it never did. Ever.

I would have loved to been able to show him more of the world and help him more, but there were too many conflicting emotions running through my family. Everyone had a separate piece of advice and way to help him or me (or both of us mutually), and ultimately I think he and I were tore up from typical conflicts associated with being brothers, and the concept of everyone thinking and saying how I was to help him (also seemingly forgetting that in many ways he was trying his best to help me).

Given all of that, him not being around the person he loved most, him having AIDS and needing medication soon, the web job I gave him being so boring and isolated, (and him getting off of doing some bad things while I still occasionally may do similar things from time to time), if I were him I probably would have resented me (and the associated hypocricy and the whole situation quite a bit too).

I hope I helped him while he was here, but ultimately it is up to each of us to change how and when we want to. If we want to. You can pour endless energy into trying to help others, but if your help is not what they want (and you yourself are far from being who you need to be), or they perceive the world in a far different light than you, then there is going to be some rough patches.

I realized it wasn't working out as well as either he or I may have wished for, but I decided to be honest early and ask him if he wanted a trip back. His plane leaves tomorrow. I am giving him a couple grand so hopefully he can use it to get some stability in his life. He thanked me for giving him stability, but he seemed exceptionally focused on instant gratification (and I guess using drugs for a long time might train you to be that way). I am not sure if stability is what he wants? And, of course, stability is not enough if there are others you love. And realistically I would rather love and be loved in a gutter somewhere than have stability, emptiness, and missery coupled together.

I am fairly certain we are parting on good terms, which might not have been the case if I asked him to endure another couple months of my mixed up and overworked schedule in a town that he did not fuse well with.

All relationships eventually end. People move away. People die. People break up. You just spent a minute of your short life reading this post. The Sun will eventually burn out. Stuff happens. I think it is important that I have social relationships that end on a positive note. So few of mine from my childhood seemed to have. Best of luck Jim. Stay safe.

See ya down the road.

Love ya bro,
Aaron