Virtual Bad Ass

So I have done quite well on the web. But I have done so while fucking real life up hard core. Being sedentary, socially isolated, and poisoning my body even with the food I eat. It is pretty fucking pathetic, but for the longest time I believed that I had to be unhappy to have the drive necessary to do well...a feeling of a lack of contentment with myself to keep myself improving. And so I used bogus chemicals, poor lifestyle, and other such things to hold me back on some fronts so that I would have the drive necessary to succeed on others.

But that is sorta bullshit...pretty much on every level. I am doing well right now and feel like I am high as a kite. I felt a bit cool and it felt great. I felt a bit warm and it felt great. I saw the colors of the leaves on the trees after coming out of the gym and nearly cried out of happiness. And I still think I can do cool things, in spite of recent happiness.

I also tried helping my brother out recently, and I am not sure if I failed because he was unwilling to change, or because I was so hollow that I had no business trying to help others until I unfucked myself. But him coming here for a bit was probably a great thing for me. He helped strengthen a past social relationship and helped remind me that things do not have to end on a bad note.

The main problem with my perception of the world is, and this is one of the things that Thom Yorke said which smacked me in the face and hit me harder than even his music does...

I definitely had a real moment after OK Computer when I heard other people imitating things that we had done and really didn't like what it sounded like, and really like ... oh my God this is really self indulgent. Have I been responsible for this? That's really awful.

A lot of what drives me in music is depression and personal things, but there seemed to be this indulgence I never wanted to go near again. And also I think more to the point I suddenly realized that a lot of the problems I had weren't actually internal, but they were external. They were to do with my immediate environment, my upbringing, my ... the way I saw the external world. And I had spent a lot of time internalizing it because that was the only thing I knew how to do.

If you are told something long enough you start to believe it. And it takes a long time to unbelieve it.

• Growing up - my 3 siblings (all roughly 6 years older than me) taught me that I was a piece of shit, my dad wasn't really around much, and my mom was overworked and overstressed...too busy
• School - I was never engaged...was typically an outsider. While I got decent grades I did not respect them at all because it was too easy.
• Vision - I was legally blind until half way through high school and did not know it...talk about a nice way to add conflict to your ability to learn and interact with others...and to seed endless self doubt in your mind. Having a somewhat photographic memory while being nearly blind really REALLY fucks with your mind and makes you over-analytical about your errors in how you perceive the world, and helps further make everything your fault.
• Navy - where everyone is taught they are a piece of shit right from the first day...then basic human needs like social interaction, nutrition, physical activity, hopes, dreams, purpose, and sunlight are placed into the unnecessary wants category. No matter how bad it gets you are told both that you are lucky it is this easy and that you deserve whatever you got because you signed up for it.
• Leaving the navy - you are other than honorable and have failed in this life...better luck next one.
• 1st Job after navy - no matter how efficient you were productivity could ALWAYS be better. and they fucked up my pay for a while, and lots of other bad shit happened to where I was financially fucked up. My mom sent me $300 and I returned it to her with a letter about how pissed off I was at the world. My mom cried from that and my grandmother sent me a letter about how I was the biggest piece of shit in the world.

But was all that my fault? Should I have internalized all that and tried to destroy myself with poor life choices, bad social relationships, drugs, and alcohol?

Another way to have that same drive is to appreciate the world more and interact with people more and care more for the world.

When I feel really happy I like to listen to music from people who committed suicide (accidentally or intentionally) to remind me how lucky I am to be alive and still able to experience emotions as vividly as I have been. I also like to read dystopian books which also give me the needed self doubt to keep learning and make me want to work harder to become a better person and to make me want to care more about the future of our planet and those I have been able to meet thusfar.

Some of the people who have helped me change my perspective of the world

• my sister - she has loyalty which would make a dog jelous
  
• my mom - when I was thinking of how to commit suicide and was silently crying with a pillow over my head she somehow knew that I was not doing well and came over and hugged me
  
• alex - my step dad...by making my mom so happy he showed me that unhappiness was not a life choice made at birth
  
• my grandma - she still seems quite happy, even after my grandpa died...she makes me less afraid of social relationships
  
• Tim Berners-Lee - for making the web and for responding to the email I sent him
  
• Scott - helps me believe in myself more and makes me realize that the past is the past
  
• Giovanna - thusfar she cares enough to listen to my craziness
  
• Werty and Daniel - both listen to my craziness too...and I think they both struggle with some of the same issues I struggle with (but probably not as bad as I do)
  
• NFFC, Patrick Gavin, and Andy Hagans - made me much better at business than I would otherwise be.
  
• the dentist - he has been so kind to me, helped fix my jaw (making me think maybe I can undue some of the past), and had a sore back and had to cut my dental appointment short...further reminding me that even if your job is to help other people that if you don't take care of yourself first you can't help others very much
  
• all the people on the web who believed in me when I never did

If I keep up what I have been doing recently I might change from a virtual bad ass to just a bad ass...and hey that would be cool. I just need to get a tattoo now. hehehe

Posted at October 24, 2006 2:54 PM