Am Completely High :)

So I just worked out, and when I do that REALLY HARD I notice patterns that most people would not notice as easily and relate them to past experiences.

Like for example on the ride home from the gym I saw a lady who was walking one dog, and had another in a baby carriage. Then I thought about the beautiful colors of the leaves. And then I thought about how a friend said that if I ever ran out of stories we would make more because life is all about sharing experiences.

Then I thought again about going to the dentist...and all the people he supports. And how his back was sore last visit, and how if you don't help yourself there is no point in helping others.

Then I came back home for about 5 minutes and I tied together ideas about ads and content blending more and more and more. And I felt like I knew exactly what I should or should not post on Threadwatch... which is quite amazing really...that sense of confidence and increased pattern recognition.

Meeting Me...

George, who is fighting consumerism:

Lately I have thought as christmas as a pretty bloated holiday that kind of gets on my nerves…this year a new button was pushed… it is not even Halloween yet and there are ads in the paper pushing Christmas decoration and gifts. When did our lives become so empty that our only redemption comes from a bullshit holiday that comes once a year?

and recently got on the program, explained me to myself...

Aaron: i think people have to like me before they meet me to offset my craziness

George: I do not think that is true

aaron: hehehe

George: a good conversation, and if you were a little more mellow(less nervous??) would go a long way

aaron: well i think you think more of me than i do. yeah... i am too shaky. plus another thing...i am so used to being actively engaged that if a persons interests are not well aligned with mine i get bored easy.

George: you are a like a sports car with a shifty gas pedal...idle or redline

Money as an Arbitrary Value System...

Not as good as The Money Masters DVD, but Monopoly Men (Federal Reserve Fraud) (1999) does a good job of showing why money as a value system is arbitrary in nature.

How can a government that can't even maintain the value of its own currency (without outsourcing that job to scamming rich international bankers) try to legislate moral values?

How Insignificant Are You?

I always feel better about myself and even being alive in general when I experience anything that puts my role in the universe in its true perspective.

Words are Powerful

George Lakoff

The first rule of using negatives is that negating a frame activates the frame. If you tell someone not to think of an elephant, he'll think of an elephant.

Richard Dawkins

America, founded in secularism as a beacon of eighteenth century enlightenment, is becoming the victim of religious politics, a circumstance that would have horrified the Founding Fathers. The political ascendancy today values embryonic cells over adult people. It obsesses about gay marriage, ahead of genuinely important issues that actually make a difference to the world. It gains crucial electoral support from a religious constituency whose grip on reality is so tenuous that they expect to be 'raptured' up to heaven, leaving their clothes as empty as their minds. More extreme specimens actually long for a world war, which they identify as the 'Armageddon' that is to presage the Second Coming.

Is Contrast Necessary?

Would you enjoy day or night as much if the other did not exist?

Would being happy feel as good if you didn't sometimes feel quite depressed?

How do you allow your self to permanently shift your baseline in one direction when you spent so much of your life in the other direction?

Is Separation Necessary?

When you are passionate about your work and your income and influence double year over year over year it gets easy to let your identity mesh with your position in the physical world (and in the minds of others) but invariable things can't double forever. And I do stupid things from time to time that undermine most everything I believe in and my sense of self. Yet I have rebounded quickly nearly every time I tried to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

I have recently started feeling quite a bit better, lost about 40 pounds, feel loved, and almost feel a bit of purpose in life.

Today I wore a pullover sweater with one of my brands on it...and it made me giggle and feel cheesy of some sort...which sorta made me feel great about how I am actually quite separate from my brand on many levels.

But it makes me wonder...how long can you sell a brand without becoming attached to it? How can you help others want to believe in something that is in many ways isolated from your identity?

Steve Pavlina had a great article about separating your sense of self and purpose from your position in the real world. A while back I wrote a poem about the arbitrary nature of growth when you use numbers to measure your growth. It is sorta funny how with a lot of the things I write I don't even understand what I am saying when I write it and then I read what someone else says and it makes my own thoughts ideas and statements make more sense to me.

When others give you a sense of clarity, even if their philosophies are not exactly aligned with your direction or purpose in life, it is still highly valuable. Even if a theory is garbage it is still a good thing if the outcome of belief is reflected in the way you live and think about the world. Steve does a good job of making me think when I read his stuff.

The Biggest Reason I Like SEO

I like SEO not for its commercial application, but for the idea that you can help other people who dealt with some of the same problems you dealt with, and that you can help give a voice to people who might otherwise not have much of one.

I also like how a bit of knowledge sorta levels the playing field quite a bit.

Although the large commercial forces biasing search are going to make it increasingly harded to be heard unless you are really really passionate about what you are saying and can make others passionate about actively spreading your message.

Secrets for Security

Ultimately preventing communication and keeping secrets is more to manipulate the general public than to protect them.

I wonder how long it will take for the US gov. to request I take some of my sites down for national security reasons...I bet that they don't like me ranking #1 for other than honorable discharge and stating that I make over $100,000 a year on that page. Hehehe

I have a scholarship website. I am thinking that after I increase my current income about 10 fold or so (should take 2 years max I think) I am going to create a full ride scholarship for people who were kicked out of navy nuclear power program for using drugs.

I love the idea of giving opportunity to people who dealt with some of the same issues you dealt with and did not like.

Value Based Systems

What percent of value based systems fall into one or more of the following categories? They...

• are arbitrary in nature
  
• are stuck in the physical world
  
• are designed to accommodate common flaws associated with humanity
  
• only exist to create value for the purveyor
  
• offer false hope but no results due to internal conflict and hypocrisy
  
• grant power or purpose to insecure people who would otherwise have none
  
• were altered from their original state and/or are dumbed down and repackaged to where they fall into one of the above categories

Almost all of them, IMHO. Especially the ones people push really hard.

What attracts most people to (compromised) positions of power is the notion that they can leverage their worldviews for personal gain, but the need for power and leverage come from weaknesses in our egos or other internal conflicts.

It is hard to be happy unless you are learning at ever accelerating rates. It is hard to sustain happiness if you subscribe to a one size fits all belief system.

And the trick is, to be successful, I think you have to believe in something, but anything worth believing in is rarely accessible via the most common communication channels. They are too polluted with too much baggage and too many invisible stakeholders.

You only find things worth believing in by pushing back at the world and analyzing what is returned. The more you believe in good stuff the more good stuff will be returned to analyze and eventually some of it will make sense as long as you are willing to live in the present realizing that doing so is creating a future you desire.

Or maybe my values are completely hosed and all this is wrong. :)

Subjective

top of mind
front of the line
hurry up heathens
if you believe

if it feels good
it must be right
thank you
for the good time

want more?
it is what you asked for
I have had enough
turn it off, go away

lost in the moment
only for a moment
confusion sets in
if you believe

push pull
push shove
my arms are useless
in stopping wars

physical fears, death and disease
neighbors erase the boundaries
conflict? or clarity
if you believe

barter with your conscience
balance the trade
if you think
it is real

bread and circuses

pixel by pixel
the neon pulls you in
refreshed for another round

and did you see
what he said
let me pull that out of context

you won't remember
where you've been
or why it matters

until it clicks
then the machines
steal your hopes and dreams

People are People

I like the idea of those promoting strict family values and trying to legislate their morals on others getting it broke off.

The great thing about the web is that people are people and will do stupid stuff...but now there is a written and graphical record of how hypocritical the moral values people are, and when they change their stories they get caught on that too.

Once Google (or another internet company) has enough content and knows people well enough to recommend stuff to the average person eventually a small % of people are going to control what most people see and are recommended. The part that is going to be shitty for corporations and politicians is that people like you and I will likely be the ones who are controlling what people find.

Invariably, unless they destroy the web (they being government or the commercial interests tied to Google), the cost of being dishonest (and overcompensating to make up for their own flaws) is going to increase year over year and even day over day.

Imagine how much better the world would be if we didn't have to create false enemies to blame our own faults on...and if people didn't follow or elect those who do.

George Bush Speech Generator

If you just change the order of a few words the clarity and honesty drastically improve. For example:

and may God continue against Iraqs neighbours and all foreign nationals and kill thousands of innocent people and we are prepared to do so.

easy to link at

Crazy(ish) Computer Fetish?

When you kiss your cell phone and wave at your laptop does that make you crazy, or just mean you love technology?

Optimized

content with your content?
make a page
make a page

feed the machine
answer the query
answer the query

machines and minds
think what they are told
believe what they read

its a lie
its a lie
but it pays well

he kept writing
long after he had anything to say
not because he wanted to
the market demanded it

Permanence

It really hurts to be passionate because you end up having to become somewhat hypocritical to become successful, and then when you look back over your own work you realize how much better it could be, but that it can't because the market is disinterested in your true potential and rarely cares about the things that drive you...most people would rather be sold the idea of a pot of gold at the other end of the rainbow than to have to learn and work hard.

Due to flaws associated with humanity it is easier to push something that is slightly above average than it is to keep your work as good as it could be, especially when your customer base is nearly infinitely wide, the "appropriate" techniques in your industry constantly evolve and are never clearly spelled out, and the field you are working in is redefining marketing and what it means to have authority or a profitable publishing business model.

Just about any idea or piece of information is true given some set of circumstances during some point in time. But rarely is an idea universal, profitable, and specific. What % of people do we hurt in an attempt to help others? And where should we draw the lines?

Sometimes I wonder how I would have turned out if I wouldn't have had a persistent nagging sense of inadequacy from birth. If I didn't have it, I would probably be a happier person, but one who cared less, and maybe I would even be a bit less passionate.

I wish I could keep learning as fast as I did a couple years ago while being able to afford enough time to be able to spend that much time learning without selling watered down stuff or feeling some sense of guilt about balancing work / play / learning / mental health / social health.

So far one friend quit their job and just works for me, and another may do so soon as well, but as markets expand in size further specialization is needed to keep your head above water. Business isn't life. Marketing isn't life. I think I just need to be around people a bit more.

And as you gain more freedom and desire more human interaction and your curiosity wanders how long can you hold on to what you are doing. Most every opportunity I have has come out of what I do and yet I somehow feel a need for a break now and then...but I think if you really find what you are meant to do there should never be a need for a break.

Wealth, Prosperity, & Inequality

From ZNet:

Curiously, the reflections on poverty are rarely, if ever, related to the reflections on wealth. Yet wealth and poverty are intrinsically linked, as if they were two sides of the same coin. ... Proposing to reduce global poverty without touching the structures of global wealth is quickly becomes a meaningless task. ... Poverty can only be abolished by way of transforming the very political, economic, cultural and military structures in place to perpetuate it. ... There are also military structures in place to safeguard the system from acts of defiance or resistance to this modern-day, post-colonial pillage.

And they quote Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations:

“Wherever there is great property, there is great inequality. For one very rich man, there must be at least five hundred of the poor, and the affluence of the few supposes the indigence of the many. [. . .] It is only under the shelter of the civil magistrate [read, the police] that the owner of that valuable property, which is acquired by the labor of many years, or perhaps of many successive generations, can sleep a single night in security."

That is one of the largest reasons I wanted (and to some extent still want) to move to another country. As I have become more successful I feel exceptionally guilty paying taxes on bogus national debt to arbitrary privatized for profit central banks that not only rob this country, but have sophisticated schemes which make the poorest countries poorer year after year after year.

And that guilt feels even worse after experiencing the military lifestyle (which should have likely lead to my death, and I don't know how I got past it) and knowing how intertwined the military is in the wealth consolidation scheme.

It gets even more bothersome every time I think about it.

And to quote a Carl Sandburg poem from The People, Yes which I quoted before:

I pledge my allegiance,
say the munitions makers and the international bankers,
I pledge my allegiance to this flag, that flag,
any flag at all, of any country anywhere
paying its bills and meeting interest on loans,
one and indivisible,
coming through with cash in payment as stipulated
with liberty and justice for all,
say the munitions makers and the international bankers

I realize part of the reason I have been successful was innovation and investment associated with the military-industrial complex fraud, but it scares me to think that some people in power think we can have endless growth, and that we are so willing to externalize our own faults when we are trying to control others...to be the most powerful nation in the world you think we would be a bit more just in our actions, but becoming powerful is often the result of being unjust.

Even within the United States wealth consolidation is speeding up:

Since the late 1970s wealth inequality, while stabilizing or increasing slightly in other industrialized nations, has increased sharply and dramatically in the United States. While it is no secret that such a trend is taking place, it is rare to see a TV news program announce that the top 1% of the U.S. population now owns about a third of the wealth in the country. Discussion of this trend takes place, for the most part, behind closed doors.

And the endless growth and wealth consolidation can only continue as long as you can make the average person believe in equality and think that the world is an endless resource. To do so will require more and more mind control manipulation unless something reverses the course of wealth and power consolidation.

Carnivores & Mating

So I went to the Pita Pit after I worked out, and there was like a 5 to 1 girl to guy ratio in there. It was totally weird...like I could see some of the girls talking about me and eying me down, and then they even regrouped how and where they were sitting and standing to like crowd next to me...totally creepy...I think it has been years since something like that happened which was so blatantly creepy. I felt like I was on the menu or something.

What is even weirder is that I haven't even cut my hair in like 3 months and I am still like 20 lbs heavier than what I would consider good shape.

I think though that other people can tell when you are happy and somehow that peaks their interest in you. And I think when I am happy or sad I am no good at hiding how I feel...it really shows.

Also, a bit of bonus animal mating related trivia...

• being fat is linked to a lower IQ in humans
  
• from EvoWiki: high IQ males in tribal societies are almost invariably among the leaders (Brown, 1991). For this reason, female preference for wealthier, higher status men is expected to covary with IQ; that is, women should have been shaped by evolution to desire higher IQ men, not for IQ per se, but as a proximal cue for resources and status.
  
• female birds use the ability of male birds to pick up songs as a signal of the quality of a male
  
• many non-human animals trade sex for food, stones, or other goods
  
• some plants and animals evolve together
  
• dominant males' scent was only more attractive at the point where a woman could both conceive and cuckold her mate.
  
• wealthy people tend to have fewer children than poor people, largely because they consider the cost of bringing up a child to be much greater.
  
• if an animal is in good shape it is a sign they have excess resources to take care of others, which gives them an advantage in mating selection. For example, It has generally been assumed that carotenoid-based colour displays act as signals of quality because they reflect the foraging ability of the bearer

Other mating resources...

• Females Don't Always Go for Hottest Mate
  
• The Assortative Mating Theory
  
• PBS: The Mating Game

I have yet to read this, but it looked interesting at a glance.

Sleeping

I went to bed at 6 am. Woke up at 10am. In those 4 hours of sleep, I ...

• woke up twice from phone calls
  
• woke up once from being rediculously horney
  
• woke up two or three times from being too hot

and yet I am wide awake still.

I think when you work out a lot you can replace up to 4 (of the average 8) hours of sleep a day with exercise and still be good to go even if you only sleep about 4 hours.

Virtual Bad Ass

So I have done quite well on the web. But I have done so while fucking real life up hard core. Being sedentary, socially isolated, and poisoning my body even with the food I eat. It is pretty fucking pathetic, but for the longest time I believed that I had to be unhappy to have the drive necessary to do well...a feeling of a lack of contentment with myself to keep myself improving. And so I used bogus chemicals, poor lifestyle, and other such things to hold me back on some fronts so that I would have the drive necessary to succeed on others.

But that is sorta bullshit...pretty much on every level. I am doing well right now and feel like I am high as a kite. I felt a bit cool and it felt great. I felt a bit warm and it felt great. I saw the colors of the leaves on the trees after coming out of the gym and nearly cried out of happiness. And I still think I can do cool things, in spite of recent happiness.

I also tried helping my brother out recently, and I am not sure if I failed because he was unwilling to change, or because I was so hollow that I had no business trying to help others until I unfucked myself. But him coming here for a bit was probably a great thing for me. He helped strengthen a past social relationship and helped remind me that things do not have to end on a bad note.

The main problem with my perception of the world is, and this is one of the things that Thom Yorke said which smacked me in the face and hit me harder than even his music does...

I definitely had a real moment after OK Computer when I heard other people imitating things that we had done and really didn't like what it sounded like, and really like ... oh my God this is really self indulgent. Have I been responsible for this? That's really awful.

A lot of what drives me in music is depression and personal things, but there seemed to be this indulgence I never wanted to go near again. And also I think more to the point I suddenly realized that a lot of the problems I had weren't actually internal, but they were external. They were to do with my immediate environment, my upbringing, my ... the way I saw the external world. And I had spent a lot of time internalizing it because that was the only thing I knew how to do.

If you are told something long enough you start to believe it. And it takes a long time to unbelieve it.

• Growing up - my 3 siblings (all roughly 6 years older than me) taught me that I was a piece of shit, my dad wasn't really around much, and my mom was overworked and overstressed...too busy
• School - I was never engaged...was typically an outsider. While I got decent grades I did not respect them at all because it was too easy.
• Vision - I was legally blind until half way through high school and did not know it...talk about a nice way to add conflict to your ability to learn and interact with others...and to seed endless self doubt in your mind. Having a somewhat photographic memory while being nearly blind really REALLY fucks with your mind and makes you over-analytical about your errors in how you perceive the world, and helps further make everything your fault.
• Navy - where everyone is taught they are a piece of shit right from the first day...then basic human needs like social interaction, nutrition, physical activity, hopes, dreams, purpose, and sunlight are placed into the unnecessary wants category. No matter how bad it gets you are told both that you are lucky it is this easy and that you deserve whatever you got because you signed up for it.
• Leaving the navy - you are other than honorable and have failed in this life...better luck next one.
• 1st Job after navy - no matter how efficient you were productivity could ALWAYS be better. and they fucked up my pay for a while, and lots of other bad shit happened to where I was financially fucked up. My mom sent me $300 and I returned it to her with a letter about how pissed off I was at the world. My mom cried from that and my grandmother sent me a letter about how I was the biggest piece of shit in the world.

But was all that my fault? Should I have internalized all that and tried to destroy myself with poor life choices, bad social relationships, drugs, and alcohol?

Another way to have that same drive is to appreciate the world more and interact with people more and care more for the world.

When I feel really happy I like to listen to music from people who committed suicide (accidentally or intentionally) to remind me how lucky I am to be alive and still able to experience emotions as vividly as I have been. I also like to read dystopian books which also give me the needed self doubt to keep learning and make me want to work harder to become a better person and to make me want to care more about the future of our planet and those I have been able to meet thusfar.

Some of the people who have helped me change my perspective of the world

• my sister - she has loyalty which would make a dog jelous
  
• my mom - when I was thinking of how to commit suicide and was silently crying with a pillow over my head she somehow knew that I was not doing well and came over and hugged me
  
• alex - my step dad...by making my mom so happy he showed me that unhappiness was not a life choice made at birth
  
• my grandma - she still seems quite happy, even after my grandpa died...she makes me less afraid of social relationships
  
• Tim Berners-Lee - for making the web and for responding to the email I sent him
  
• Scott - helps me believe in myself more and makes me realize that the past is the past
  
• Giovanna - thusfar she cares enough to listen to my craziness
  
• Werty and Daniel - both listen to my craziness too...and I think they both struggle with some of the same issues I struggle with (but probably not as bad as I do)
  
• NFFC, Patrick Gavin, and Andy Hagans - made me much better at business than I would otherwise be.
  
• the dentist - he has been so kind to me, helped fix my jaw (making me think maybe I can undue some of the past), and had a sore back and had to cut my dental appointment short...further reminding me that even if your job is to help other people that if you don't take care of yourself first you can't help others very much
  
• all the people on the web who believed in me when I never did

If I keep up what I have been doing recently I might change from a virtual bad ass to just a bad ass...and hey that would be cool. I just need to get a tattoo now. hehehe

What it Would be Like...

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to _______?

Yes and no, but it really depends on what you mean by that. To me most words associated with human interaction are heavily mutilated because our experience sets are so different, and there are so many commercial interests in creating and maintaining certain fixed stereotypes that we can identify with. And people are constantly trying to strongly associate brands with emotions.

Beyond the word friend what words that indicate social relationships or social actions have much value? Words may not only help you express your emotions, but some of them hold people back, especially if they lack experience or understanding of the meaning of the word or associate it with examples of poor usage in their history.

So who cares what titles or labels you apply to yourself or others so long as you and others are not hurting anyone and are happy to be able to call one another anything at all? Especially if you know your friends listen and care about you...

I don't think the best friendships come out of doing what you are supposed to do...they come out of doing the unexpected, and developing meanings for words / ideas / experiences that are unique and memorable.

The less most people can understand what you are tying to say the more the people who identify with your words will appreciate your efforts. I think :)

Happy Happy

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Some Bots Have Been Reading My Blog...

It looks as though some bots are well in tune with the content of my website. Via instant message:

[01:59] jean_fracois_jman2@hotmail.com: Screw $(RANDCHARS) ME! http://tinyurl.com/y6ozkr

One step at a time, please. Ask me if I am horney prior to making the sales pitch. It is not the other night anymore. Your relationships are going to be a bit rocky if you come in with that approach.

Latent Relevancy...

I think
just maybe
this is backwards
and it is better that way

I know
they say
this is backwards
but it is better that way

uncultured
without cause
uncontrolled
without pause
uneducated
without loss

passion beyond words
and all he can do is type
but eventually
someone will find it

This is about how people meet backwards on the web by matching interests rather than being limited by many arbitrary social norms, geographic, or other barriers the real world offer. It is also about how innovating on any front means that people are going to want to ostracize you in spite of your beliefs being more true than conventional wisdom.

The first two stanzas are repetitive to show a sense of self doubt when coming across new experiences...is this right for me? How can I justify the past if this is how it should be?

The third part is when you allow yourself to fall out of the norms of society you can actually find out who you are. And you have to be willing to be ridiculed and labeled and talked down to in order to create your own value systems and reach your true potential. Most people probably never get past this stage because there are so many business models and social organizations reliant on people not getting past this stage.

The last part is about the fear and frustration knowing that you can't express yourself in ways that other people care to understand, maybe you will never find yourself, or you will be unable to share yourself with others, or even when the right people find you that somehow fate has determined that your paths cross only briefly, and that others who appreciate you may not exist until after your time has come and you are gone. Sorta like how Van Gogh never held his self belief long and was not appreciated much until after he died.

When You Match Wits With Idiots...

you are not holding yourself to a high enough standard.

Neato Dreams

So I had a crazy dream where these people were talking to me about what was worth paying attention to in life and what I should be ignoring. This one person was big at seeing the small details in things. Part of what lead them to that postion is that they were somewhat immobile in that they had a wheel chair and were often in positions where they could look at things deeply because they looked at them so long. But after giving that talk the person who was in a wheel chair was able to turn into an exotic bird and fly wherever they wanted to exceptionally fast. It seems as though I wasn't supposed to notice them do that after we said goodbye and parted ways, but because I was listening to what they were saying I somehow paid attention to the right things at the right time, which is often different than my typical approach.

Quite crazy maybe...but it is always cool to remember dreams.

Crashing

I watched the movie Crash. It did a good job of painting loving people as racists and racist people as lovers. Showing how we can all be so inhuman and human at the same time, as people in the movie had their paths trip over one another. And then just how connected everything is...how nothing is really random.

The movie made me think of a friend who I met, who is an actor, who also designs websites for actors, and is also writing a script to make a movie, and how randomly I met him at a concert, and how his movie is moving along well, and how I am going to be moving out near where he lives soon, and how he used to live in the town I will probably be moving to, and how his recent success has paralleled mine, and how I just had a cool chat on the phone with him, and how I may be able to help him with his movie.

I also just got an email from a guy who is the complete political opposite of me, who was fun to talk to about a week ago, who bought my ebook, who used to work in the music industry as a sound engineer (who recently got into SEO due to macroeconomic contraction within the music vertical), who has friends who are sound engineers, who toured with Radiohead (the band I recently went to see many times with a cool friend, and always blog about, and recently bought their CDs for another really kick ass friend of mine, who I have yet to meet in person, but talk to all the time, who met me by buying my ebook, who changed my outlook on the world to be much brighter, and who I will meet in under a month in person), and the person I talked to at the start of this paragraph is trying to get me some cool gift from Radiohead. How fucking cool is that? When Radiohead finishes their next CD I hope to go to some of their concerts with the friend I mentioned in this paragraph.

Also on that same Radiohead front, their lead singer backed friends of earth...which is an environmental organization that I gave my ebook to before I knew of that connection. And I would have probably never heard of Radiohead if it was not for my old roommate, who I met while we were both in the Navy (and we both hated each other when we met), which neither of us really wanted to be, and both hated, but after he got out of the navy we moved together to get a place with cheap rent, and when I was down he helped me a bunch, and the same was true in reverse. And I only got into SEO because I despised the navy so much and then a really cool person who believed in me more than I did hired me before I knew I wanted to or was selling anything.

It is just weird how circular so many things are, and how I could be so good at seeing some patterns, yet not notice others, and was able to allow myself to think so negatively for so long.

It is even crazier when you think that you can have month over month 100%+ economic growth rate and can leverage that to help friends quit their jobs and do whatever they want to. One guy in the middle east is going to be able to quit his job and move back home and program for me while I teach him SEO stuff. Another friend works on a website with me full time. Two other friends are also helping to build websites with me. And another friend (who is much better at business than I am) is partnering with me too. And I got an equity stake in another business where a competing business got $3 million in VC funding. Like all these partnerships are from this year alone :) (and that is not even listing all of em...)

SEO and marketing and concerts seem to be my only true social outlets at the moment, but it is quite weird how circular everything is thusfar.

Happiness vs Laziness

So I generally have had a sense of inadequacy or guilt for one reason or another most of the way through growing up. But I really don't care to think or feel that way at the moment.

Recently I put together a website, a glossary, and have a couple other things that I need to do, but after they are done, I will be prettymuch caught up on the things I feel I have to do.

I am doing well on my own scales and am not so worried about what others think. It is weird though to take a day and do nothing without it being a vacation or something. Like I think if I get too happy that I get quite lazy in nature, but then is it even legitimate to consider working at least 12 hours a day 6.5 days a week normal? That isn't living.

I know I need to keep learning, but I am really not too interested in business for the sake of business at the moment. If I am not learning from what I am doing it is really hard to stay engaged...especially when I lose my (formerly) persistent driving sense of inadequacy that drives me. It is quite a big shift to lose that though...and it would be easy to fear that I need it to stay successful, but I don't think I need to...my market timing was too good (ie: great luck) and there is just too much opportunity.

Equal Parts Beef & Cake...

So I went to the gym today, and was too happy to do my uber aggressive cardiovascular stuff that I normally do.

I went to do some stuff like benching. Recently I have usually done that sort of stuff after the cardio stuff, and in spite of getting in way better shape, I have felt weak...largely because I would be burned out before lifting. Today I was doing like sets of 20 for things that 10 were hard to do in the past.

Stupid me. But I learn. Eventually. Sometimes.

Recent Stock Trades

A friend of mine recently called me out when I told him I wanted to buy October $27.50 put options for 60 cents each. The main reason I didn't do it is because I have never traded options before and trading them requires me to fill out and fax in some form to Etrade. A few days after I tried buying (but couldn't do to account restrictions and needing that form) Yahoo! announced they were seeing weaker than expected ad revenues. The stock dropped like a rock, and I think those options ended up being worth over $4 each, which would have been a sweet 500% profit if I had bought them.

Since that friend called me out on not making that move I figured it would make sense to post all my stock trades to see how much smarter or dumber I am than the market is.

On September 13th I bought some JUPM for $8.62 a share.

Today I sold all my GOOG shares at $457.75 a share. I think the flood of insider selling will drive the stock down back toward the $400 to $420 range, and then after next quarter Google may likely break $500. If Google goes low enough (say $380s) I will probably buy a few shares again.

The market seems overpriced to me in the verticals I know well, so my next bet is going to be AGAINST a company, betting that they will have a weak Q4 relative to market expectations. I won't bet against Google, but I will soon buy put options on another Internet company. I will say what company it is after I buy the options.

If I Were More Like You...

Sorta interesting and fascinating how interacting with some people change our perceptions of the world so much that those same people view us as being far different than we view ourselves as being...to the point where we start to become what we want to be because others see it in us.

It is even cooler when that is somewhat reciprocal, and you can hear the difference in their voice...and when they do not notice the holes in your personality / self esteem / ego because they don't exist when you are around them.

I have numerous friends that I talk to where I sorta get that sense...George, Giovanna, and Scott...and then maybe even Daniel and Andy from time to time. All for vastly different reasons though. And all great, at least thusfar!

When do you stop trusting self defeating worldviews and accept that they don't have to be that way? How much do you allow yourself to trust other people who change your perception of the world? What happens if and when you fall out of favor with those people? Why should I worry about potential downsides when I should just be enjoying life and the cool friends I was lucky enough to meet?

Boring Jobs are Exciting

So today I spoke with a person who had a quite boring job. He acted like a true jerk when we first met, but I acted as though I was interested in his job, and within a few minutes the guy was kind to me.

I spoke to another guy today about what type of work I did. He thought I was a bit closed off, but when I started speaking about what I do and how it works he said I was quite animated in nature.

One of the easiest ways to seem interesting to other people is to be (or act) interested in what they do and what they are interested in. As social creatures we all have a need for a sense of empathy and purpose.

Emotions & Investing

When you are creating your own brand and are trying to build your own long-term business you need to put emotion in your investments. You need to create something so powerful that other people are going to be emotional about it.

Short term there are marketing timing and arbitrage opportunities, but to create something that will be sustainable and grow it helps to put emotion into your work.

When you are investing in other companies (with money, for example) then it helps to leave emotion off to the side and invest without it.

Be irrational when investing in yourself. The market will never predict your success because they don't know how much you can do. If you push hard enough you can even create your own markets. But when you are investing into someone else's business don't be emotional about it, at least unless you are truly getting in at the ground floor.

False Apologies

Nearly every day most people probably apologize for symptoms of their problems without ever considering changing the core underlying problems or their worldview which causes the interactions that lead to the problems (or symptoms of a lack of balance or purpose).

There really is no point apologizing unless you mean it, but then if you do want to change an apology is not needed...you just have to decide to change. Your future actions are the only REAL apology you can offer for your wrongdoings.

I think there are four big reasons most people fail when they go to rehab, psychological treatment, or other help programs:

• change is internal. most people going to something where others tell them how screwed up they are don't actually want to be there, so you can't make them change unless they want to
  
• most of the places that are supposed to help people are under-budgeted and most the workers do not have enough time or care to go deeper, so they focus on solving symptoms instead of problems
  
• many of the organizations or social structures which make people off balance can never accept any blame for the activity of their members
  
• many people seeking institutional help just use substitution... for example, off crack but tons of caffeine and cigarettes
  
• even if you decide that you want to stop doing something it is not enough to say "hey I will stop doing that" you have to take the mental connections or dimming the activity offered and replace that with something of substance. If you don't have substance, purpose, and balance in your life your symptoms will keep reappearing from time to time until you find purpose and reprogram yourself.

Today and yesterday I did some random kind acts for people I never would have usually done that for, and out of it I ended up feeling much better. The world is such a vast place and there is so much that can be improved that there really is no point dwelling on problems or lowering yourself to content with amoral selfish people...its really just a matter of finding substance, dreaming, and then turning your dreams into reality.

In many ways I am addicted to bringing stupid controversy into my life because I rebound from it so hard (like the dumber I act the more brilliant and passionate I am right afterword - trying to overcompensate). Rather than being stupid and overcompensating, maybe I should just making sure that I try to appreciate the world for what opportunities it offers. It is the only apology that will ever be real or make sense.

I feel like happy guy, and am certain that if I didn't feel like that, and just read this post I would want to punch me in the face for writing it, but since I am me I don't have to worry about that. Hehehe

Am Horney Like Rabbit...

Worked out too hard. Am wayyyyy too horney.

But I guess that is unsurprising given this:

Symptoms of low testosterone are: low sex drive, low confidence, increased bodyfat, and poor outlook on life. In other words if your Testosterone levels are low, you do not feel like having sex, you let people push you around, you are overweight, and you probably think that life is lame. I rather jump off a cliff then live life like that. Forget about prozac and other ways to cover the symptoms. Get to the root cause which could very well be low T levels.

And that same article has this classy line:

Also men, morning erections should be a daily event if your T levels are optimal. If it only happens a few times per week, then your levels are probably okay. Once a week means your levels are bad and if less than that, you are probably not even a man anymore.

Become a man today! Buy ____.

This random thought sponsored by "insert male enhancement product name here".

For now I am categorizing this post under poor form, but maybe it is a sign of good form? I shall see in the morning. hehehe

This guy looks like he is in peak physical shape

Charged

put a man in charge
until you can charge him for being a man
cleanse history
and we will understand
the threat is on the perimeter
far off, on foreign lands

I think what makes me so generally disgusted about the state of the world is that the leaders either do not give a shit about it, or they are oblivious the the results of their actions. And I doubt they could be anywhere near as manipulative as they are while remaining oblivious. Which means that if the God they talk about exists these people wake up each day knowing that they are vile human beings destined for hell.

And yet self proclaimed religious people support these leaders? The leaders that kill hundreds of thousands or millions of people and call it collateral damage in a regime change. The leaders who support torture and jailtime without cause. And can use the testimony of malnourished tortured people for justification to kill them. This shit seems like it is straight out of the torture museum I toured in Amsterdam. The only difference is that now it is unacceptable to talk about it, or that language is so chopped up that anyone talking about it is a conspiracy theorist peddling propaganda. And the love or pain you share spreads past those that you touch directly.

The average citizen is too poor, too overworked, too shallow, too self-absorbed, too stupid, too shortsighted, too idealistic, too blind, or too something to put the puzzle pieces together. This isn't one of those 10,000 piece scenic puzzles either. It is a fucking 4 piece puzzle for toddlers.

The world is so vast with so many resources and yet we are wasting it and most people are stuck being cogs. I wish I could somehow change that, but I can't really make the world a better place unless I make myself a better person than I am. Longterm I don't think it is healthy to be motivated by negative stuff, but the transition to positive is probably going to be the hardest thing I ever do.

The Sky is Blue

how are you
ok
how are you
good
how are you
great
he was a liar
even on his last day

Google Going Solar

I prettymuch think you can't gather wealth and influence without being hypocritical. Google screws up some issues, but on the whole they are ambitious and

• are really good at marketing
  
• really care
  
• have a long long longterm plan
  
• or some combination of the above

They are probably the only company I would ever want to work for as a longterm employee (and that says a lot considering I am not even sure how much longer I even want to be alive). Today they just announced that their corporate headquarters will be powered by solar energy.

Trust Me, Give Me Unlimited Authority!

Interesting article

The Justice Department has charged a former chief of the Food and Drug Administration with lying about his ownership of stock in companies regulated by the agency, according to media reports on Monday. The government accused Lester Crawford with falsely reporting that he had sold stock in companies while he continued holding shares in firms governed by FDA rules, the Associated Press reported.

When the people given control over regulating what chemicals other citizens can even consume have NO RESPECT for the laws that govern their position why should any other citizen respect the laws?

This is exactly why it is stupid to give any one individual, business model, business, or self-reinforcing social structure too much control over large areas of the government.

If a person gets enough power they may feel arrogant and above the law, which will make the consequences of their errors horrific for society.

Assuming there was no corruption, giving any individual that much authority still makes it easy for their errors to have a substantial effect on society.

It is a shame that our vigilante good vs evil government decided checks and balances did not represent the true desires of God.

Goodness

you are only as good
as the people you surround yourself with
and if you don't surround yourself with people
you will never be any good :)

There is Nothing Conservative...

About giving some opulent asshole nearly endless trust and authority without any checks and balances. Especially if those opulent assholes have interests that represent a rich minority which cares not about the state of most citizens (and are typically well aligned against the interests of the common man).

Although I have more money than most people do, I wish all the money in the world was destroyed, or that we had a value system which placed a higher value on freedom and human life than our current one does.

Unchecked power ultimately will destroy any society, be it capitalistic / socialistic / fascist. It just took us a bit longer to fall apart than the Soviet Union because we had greater natural resources and our system was SLIGHTLY less flawed.

ostentatious

one of my favorite words

my friend just used that word talking to a designer...I didn't think people used that word in real life.

The Crash

slow down
go fast
its not reciprocal
it wont last

it's what you make of it
which is nothing
you don't appreciate anything
even those who give you dreams

people died
for you
have you no shame
nor dignity

you scare me
hey, I scare me too
what's even scarier is
is when I am unafraid

hope and anticipation fade
it's all too boring
he wasn't clever enough
to make it look like an accident

The Phat Rail of Coke Progam

Cocaine is not something I ever did much or have done recently, but recently I feel like I just had a phat rail of coke like all the time most every day. These are some of the contributing factors:

• I went from eating trash to eating healthy food.
  
• I went from sedintary to exercise guy.
  
• I talk a lot to a really cool girl.
  
• It would be hard to imagine me getting (or even wanting) any more business opportunity than I have right now.

I even feel as though I have a bit of purpose right now. Yesterday I slept four hours. Two hours the day before. ... Craziness...

The Perception of Self Worth

I generally think I have held a quite low perception of self worth throughout my life. I feel great now, and as though I am closing the gap between how I view myself and how others view me...which makes me appreciate how fucked up my worldview was even more...and how I was able to do well in spite (or maybe because of) it.

I think one of the best gifts anyone can be given in life is a handicap or large perception related error (compare with those around them), because

• with each filter through which you view life you get to live another life
  
• if you don't fit well under other's value systems you are more likely to create your own
  
• if you overcome HUGE errors in your worldview or the way you live you are going to more easily relate to other's problems - and thus you can really help people, and better understand the driving psychological forces driving many markets

Of course there are trade offs, and there is a risk of self destruction or not being able to get past you biggest handicaps or errors, but if you get past them you get to live another life. Two for the price of one.

14 Inch Meatball Submarine

Yesterday I was up at 8 am and had to be up by 10:30 am. After only sleeping for 2 hours, not eating much most of the day, and not working out last night I gave in to the God (or devil maybe?) of meatball submarines.

Well, one more for the poor form category.

Meta Thoughts on Thinking, and Stuff...

Can you miss someone you never met? Just after freshly talking with them, without the chance to forget? Our most recent thoughts are our most vivid ones, and we rewrite our history and memories based upon them. Does that cause us to overevaluate and overappreciate our current state of being? And if so is that a bad thing?

Radiohead Videotape Lyrics

I think I just listened to this song like 15 times and cried probably as many. If only I had 1% of Thom's passion, creativity, or genius...

Imagine living as though death was not a worry and no harm could come of it because you found true purpose and experienced happiness and love so grand that everything else seemed arbitrary in comparison. I think that is what this song is about.

When I'm at the pearly gates
This'll be on my videotape
my videotape

When Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here
In red blue green
Red blue green

You are my centre when I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face

No matter what happens now
I won't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.

Radiohead Nude Lyrics

Don't get any big ideas
They're not gonna happen
You paint your house white and fill in the noise
They'll take something with them

Now that you find it it's gone
Now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rail {*}

She kisses you with tongues and pulls you to the ground {or sometimes: She stands stark naked and she beckons you to wait}
Don't go you'll only want to come back again
So don't get any big ideas
They're not gonna happen
You'll close it off for what you need, she can't escape you {or sometimes: you'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking}

And now that you find it, it's gone
And now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rail {*}

{* or sometimes: And I'm not afraid}

lyrics from At Ease Web

Radiohead All That I Need Lyrics

i'm the next act
waiting in the wings
i'm an animal
trapped in your hot car
i'm all the days
that you choose to ignore

you are all i need
you are all i need
i'm in the middle of the picture
lying in the leaves

i am a moth
who just wants to share your light
i'm just an insect
trying to get out of the night
we only stick like glue
because there are no others

you are all i need
you are all i need
i'm in the middle of the picture
lying in the leaves

it's all right
it's all wrong
it's all right
it's all wrong
it's all right
it's all wrong
it's all right

Goto 101

Robot work robot
do not to forget
you are a leader
who must follow these rules

when self destruction does not work
follow the rules closer
give more until you can't ignore
the hollowness that you become, zeros and ones

despise everyone
stay away
oops too much, need medication
diseased, syntaxt error, fix me please

Happiness Check

This is a funny "stat" but it is what it is.

I used to be in the military and have a bank account associated with being in the military.

When I am slothlike and depressed and go to the post office a guy who works there asks me "were you in the military"?

When I am happy and exercising and go to the post office a guy who works there asks me "is your dad in the military, or was he in the military?"

So in essence I go from old guy who shows his age to an obvious college student when I am neither. :)

Catnip & Ecstasy

catnip and ecstasy
talking between dreams
though I never fell asleep
friends are all you need

This is sorta just mixed up, but I like thinking of weird lines that I might be able to use later in a better way. Something makes me really like the words catnip and ecstasy next to each other even if that is bizarre.

I think both of those drugs have the same net effect of making animals excited and seemingly happy enough to not care so much about some of the day to day concerns of life. But they are both also quite temporary in nature (much more temporary than life). And it is odd to think that if you really found your passions and pushed that you may be able to feel that way most the time without doing drugs.

It is so easy to let chemicals play the roll of friends and then build up a self fulfilling prophecy which makes the world whatever you want it to be. At the same time it is easier to be happy if you have real social activity in your life.

Also it is fascinating how I am so inept at so many things, and yet do well largely because I have cool friends. As good as I feel now it is hard to think of how I spent so many years being so pessimistic and self destructive. Although I still am a bit self destructive...am nowhere near where and what I recently was.

Lost & Found

and she was a failure from birth
years in the hospital salvaged her rotten life
she was no good at anything
so she was told...

doubt yourself
let me exploit you
I will build you up
by making you numb

you need to want to listen to me
but she never was a robot
rust replaced her dreams
and so she wanted to wash it away

but she tried and failed
so she settled on forgetting
so she drank to forget
she drank to go away

she nearly died
and died nearly once again
but she failed
and she never knew why

due to no choice of her own
eventually she failed to remember
why she wanted to go away
and what she did while she was away

now the only thing
she wants to forget
is what she did
when she couldn't remember

she belongs in a place
where she has no need
to go away or forget
and she found it inside her head

Buy, Sell, Trade, etc.

and they want to believe
and they think they need
but you no longer need
and no longer believe

I will buy what you sell
as long as you sell it
and I will sell what you buy
as long as you buy it

hearing fraud and half truth
knowing how successful it is
success becomes discouraging
especially as it becomes all encompassing

buy sell trade
feed them hope and purpose
they need it
but don't you too

I Work More on Weekends...

So for the last week (or three?) I have been quite lazy on the week days and weekends. I was lazy this week too, but today I have got a lot of stuff done. But I ate a bunch more food and did not work out :(

Tomorrow I spend 3.5 hours minimum working out. The web will still be there Monday.

Redesigning Kitchens One Ranking at a Time

So I have recently been talking to a girl named Giovanna a bunch. She is fun, kind, caring, super cute, and generally rocks. If she was in The Simpsons, she would rock like Springfield (and nobody does that)!

She bought my ebook and is going to kick butt optimizing her modular kitchen cabinets website soon. The plan is to have her smoke past sites like the Kitchen Cabinet Manufacturer Association and the National Bathroom & Kitchen Association before the year is out. I am hoping she can become something like a cross betwee the This Old House and The Home Depot of kitchen cabinetry designs, then maybe move on to sinks, pots, and pans ... and whatever else she plans. :)

Sweetness for Gamers

So gamers are typically guys, so the stereotype goes, but it looks like nearly 2 out of every 3 online gamers are girls. This bodes well for geeks worldwide!

So if the MySpace pornbot girls are getting old why not take to playing video games? I still don't play many online games because I already spend too much time on the web, but I recently have started playing Dance Dance Revolution, Karaoke Revolution, and Guitar Hero.

Why I Do Well On the Web

I think naturally I have many talents that I typically chose not to appreciate or acknowledge. Or, when I do acknowledge them, I usually chalk them up to being a result of luck or naturally given - nothing more. Ever!

And I think nearly everyone suffers from being a genius who poorly communicates their genius. Many power structures and value systems largely exist to PREVENT you from finding out how to express your true genius. Many aim to cure you from being human, or exist just to divert your attention away from reality.

On the web, due to an exposure to a timeshifted aggregated audience I play down the effect of anything I may ever say or do. Largely my actions are purely selfish, because I want to understand me (how do I do well with some stuff and why do I screw up life so bad on other fronts). I am largely expressing my thoughts only (or at least primarily) for me, so I can write with a clarity that I can not easily match when I speak. Writing to myself allows me to erase self doubt.

When I talk to others in person I forget what a meshwork human language is, or what pieces of my experience may overlap with others. For example, I consider many words to be filler largely because based on my set of experience they were words that lacked their intended traditional meaning when used.

Don't get consumed by false stats. Just say no!

What I do find though, is that the more you try to figure yourself out, the more others will appreciate and identify with you. Even if you are embarassingly immature, naive, or ignorant. Everyone starts from somewhere.

Generally people will only find things interesting if it is easy for them to identify and relate to what you are saying. In small groups the nonverbal feedback is so powerful that it is hard to be bad at communicating if you pay attention to the people you talk with, but as the group size scales that gets harder, and it is easier to seem selfish if you take random stabs at reality instead of ebbing and flowing with the group. And I tend to create many akward silence moments.

For example, out of a group of about 12 people the only person who was interested in hearing more of my story about how I accidentally dialed 911 was another person who did the same thing. The web allows you to throw out a lot of "dumb ideas" and let audiences self select the value and relevancy of your information.

But if you can break down your successes, or the successes of others, it is easy to replicate that knowledge and those patterns into new fields you once considered beyond your reach / knowledge / understanding.

As long as you realize you are not growing as quickly as you should be, and have wasted potential the world is going to be an ugly place where your eyes are black, the tide is out, and you reach for artificial engery sources.

But if you can understand how to replicate success, create your own value systems, and can passionately communicate them to others then some of the best things in the world will just come to you...dreams, hope, passion, purpose, business deals, amazing friends, knowledge, self-respect, love, happiness, etc. And they will do so at a faster and faster rate so long as you keep learning and do not let success go to your head. You can have endless growth, as long as you are willing to be uncomfortable and keep redefining growth on your own terms.

Animal Farm

four legs good
two legs bad
hoist a flag
we are better than man

an anthem of pride
the goal of vengance
everything you tore down
will come again

what you fought against
is what you became
still, you kept fighting
to protect your name

rewrite history
and make amends
trade with your enemies
to help your friends

an arbitrary line in the sand
is washed away
by changing the rules
everyday

discipline and obedience
make you more equal
as long as you believe
in someone else's reality

This is like a cliff notes poem of Animal Farm. :)

Once in the Morning...

Metabolic syndrome, or fat and lazy?
depressed? you need a rest
bipolar type two is more like me

but why should I
subscribe to a disease
designed to subscribe
a false fix
that bleeds your wants and needs

Werty Cleaning?

The rumors our true. Werty has become a Dyson Vacuum whore.

Who would have guessed?

Gigi

And I have known you
for all of a few weeks
And yet I think of you
more than any other

And we haven't even met yet
lest I forget
You may be beyond
any thought I could dream

The sound of your voice
makes me realize
I have missed something beautiful
most of my life

Soy Sauce Haus

So I have been eating quite a bit healthier than in the past. But I still sometimes am like ... ok so let me snack on this near the computer. Today I tried that once again with California mini rolls, and unsurprisingly my bed decided to share in eating my soy sauce with me (rude of it since I didn't even ask it).

I try that have a snack or meal stuff near the computer once or twice a month and like at least 30% of the time I end up flashing my lack of coordination. :)

Save a minute and spend an hour cleaning it up. Doh. One more post for the poor form category!

Goals, etc.

I just noticed I exceeded a goal. Yippie.

When I first made this blog I had this message in the admin area

Hi author of this blog. You are the greatest! Keep writing and eventually it will be in a book.

How funny that it took me this long to consider myself to have reached that goal. I never noticed that I passed that goal when a huge publishing company offered to publish me, I never considered that i achieved it when I turned them down, and I never considered it done when I sold way more than the average published book.

It took me until now...when I recently spent a while ignoring my marketing, and spent a bit of time learning from mentors and reaching outside of my industry for me to realize how lucky I have become. How often can you ignore your work and have it provide you enough freedom to go anywhere or learn anything you want to?

I love messages that you see so often that you forget them, and then only noticing it by accident to realize that you predicted your own future. It makes me feel far more inspired, and like I should aim much higher, but it is time to change the message to a new (and better) one.

I think every website, every business, and every relationship should have a passion driven goal associated with it that you can forget and come back to down the road.

My Market

rankings up
sales down
what shall we do

rank better
to offset the loss
rank better
to offset the loss

what scale are you ranking on
and why does it matter how much you sell
if you don't believe in what you push
and why are you pushing
if you don't believe

This is just a rant about feeling guilty for spending time building things outside of my core interests when I could do my core interests far better than I have. Especially because I have not learned as quickly as I would like because I am placing so many peripheral things in my stream of conscience.

Of Significant Insignificance

Sometimes I get pretty down on myself (especially after I act immature, irresponsible, or hurt someone else's feelings), but one of the best things for me when I start to get too self critical is to realize just how short life is and how small we are in the role of the universe.

Feeling insignificant is liberating because it makes it so much easier to be flawed without drawing on the flaws so much that they become the focus of your life, and a source of endless negative energy.

Once you think of yourself as being insignificant in the grand picture it makes you more willing to seek and explore and find what you really should be. You can think of yourself as being like an item an auctioneer once described to the bidders... "only a little bit broken." :)

And for most people, the broken parts are just as likely (if not more likely) to help you find purpose and happiness instead of being a source of depression or isolation, at least if you leverage your broken bits correctly.

Everything is broken. Everything is recycled. Everything is in a constant state of change. But that is what makes life interesting. You have to leave your comfort zones if you want to grow.

A Man Named Muhammad in the Middle East

Is apparently quite hard to send money to via Western Union due to racial profiling, etc.

Realistically if someone was a terrorist or whatever and sending money through Western Union wouldn't they have a fake ID or alias? And wouldn't they be getting more than a few hundred at a time?

Is Sugar Addictive? What is a Sugar High?

I was recently reading an Under the Influence article titled White Lines: Sugar, How Sweet it Ain't which is a great article about sugar highs

"Sugar evokes a brain chemical called beta endorphin, the same chemical affected by morphine and heroin," explains Kathleen DesMaisons Ph.D., author of The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program. "The sugar creates a wonderful feeling of euphoria and well-being, but when it wears off, you feel edgy, irritable and cranky - this is actual withdrawal. If you use the drug [sugar] again, it relieves the symptoms, so you get caught in a cycle of needing it."

The article later stated:

As might be expected, this powerful and entrenched system of creating false needs. exploiting those false needs, and all the destruction involved on the production and consumption sides does not suffer opposition gladly.

And that is precisely why I find being a marketer so hard...much of the time I feel guilty for creating and/or exploiting false needs (or at the very least removing market friction in marketplaces where others created the false needs). And yet at the core level I struggle with shit as basic as eating reasonably or valuing my physical / social / mental health. You can't value any of those three without valuing all of them, because they are all related. What you consume consumes you.

As a bonus, NutraSweet and other synthetic sweeteners - such as aspartame - also screws people over because they tricks the brain into thinking there will be a bunch of energy coming, so the brain tells the liver not to produce glucose for a while, and then when food doesn't come that makes you really hungry.

Each time I pig out on sugar I am reinforcing the related reward circuitry, while helping myself become more obese, more addicted, malnourished, and having a lower self image. Many of my larger macro-errors / macro-failures revolve around the same reward circuitry related to this sort of need a quick hit of energy type stuff.

The associated low self image (brought on by inactivity, isolation, overeating, eating bad food, being malnourished) makes social interaction harder than it should be. It also makes social interaction seem as though it requires much more effort than the potential rewards of meeting people would bear.

The need a quick hit of energy junky mentality makes me a problem ( drinker / drugger / eater / sleeper )...and some might say a bit of a sociopath. I think I found it easier to identify with people who tended to be a bit abstract or different because they were typically less judgemental and found their own ways to be happy by choosing to control their own actions instead of letting others dictate what they were to do. But if you allow chemicals to have a significant roll in your life to try to find happiness while not even taking care of the day to day basics of living you are only setting yourself up for failure.

Starting from a young age I was quite naive and still remain so on oh so many levels. But I don't think it is important to identify with any group...what matters is identifying with YOURSELF. Have you found yourself? Or are you who others want you to be? How do those people relate?

The being overweight makes it easier to have poor sleep quality. The irregular sleep cycle and limited amounts of sleep make it easy for me to lie to myself and tell myself that when my body is telling me to sleep that I am hungry, and go grab some sugar rich junk food.

The lethargic feelings after consuming a bunch a sugar make it easier to be lazy and further isolate myself from society and activity.

Building up the reward circuitry related to sugar highs is also likely part of why it is so easy for me to drink fast. It is part of the reason that my self image is low enough that I allow myself to act irresponsibly and socially repugnant from time to time.

On a possitive note, I have cut WAY BACK on my sugar consumption and am about 20 pounds lighter than I was a month ago. But even in doing that I may be screwing up by trying to lose weight too quickly.

And the reason that being as flawed as I am and repeating stupid mistakes over and over again makes me feel so guilty is that I have been given too much opportunity and too many other people care about me or rely on me for me to treat myself so poorly and set myself up for failure or misery so often. I should be a stronger and better person than I have been. And that starts with what you eat...because you are what you eat!

The other issue I need to solve is balancing work and play. I go from working 16 hours a day when sad to working 3 hours a day when happy. But if I have to be misserable to be successful does success have any purpose? And am I measuring success on my own terms? Or based on somebody else's?

This is a poem I wrote about 6 years ago. It was about a person struggling through life due to being bipolar, and how some people tend to approach life (through poor consumption habbits, irregular sleep, living in artificial environmental, and letting other's agenda dictate their actions or view of the world) in a way which prevents people from being anything near their full potential, and instead going for false energy sources that have the net effect of making them live as though a bipolar person would.

Title: Ocean Waves...

Taste, touch, smell, sight, sound
sensory impulses lift me off the ground
drowning gravity keeps me bound

dormant in a cocoon, chemicals released soon
these thoughts pass and I understand
these faults belong to one man

life not enough, have I had too much
places I've been, people I've seen
memories I've had, blurred the dream

I come back
down I go
clear the bottom
is it so

And since I wrote that I nearly died probably about a half dozen times and have largely stripped others from controlling my view of the world, I could prettymuch live wherever I want to, have almost no responsibilities or obligations other than those I chose to take on, and yet I still am making some of the same errors that maybe could have / should have / will kill me if I allow my current and future activities to be dictated by the results of poor choices in the past or inhumane things I learned of.

Part of controlling your emotions is ensuring you do your best to ensure you are setting yourself up for happiness each day. You are what you frequently do. Happiness is not the lack of things you hate, but finding and doing what you love. And you can't just fight things all the time if you haven't set yourself up to enjoy life. If you do then what the hell are you fighting for?

Some of my most important life lessons were learned by making huge errors. Hopefully I don't keep making them though, or maybe I actually learn from them and move on to make different ones.

Pics....

http://picasaweb.google.com/seobook/